IT'S GONE

did i ever tell you about the time i just lost it?
i used to keep all of my old school work.
since i was in 7th grade up until spring 08 semester.
every note, every paper, every project, every flashcard, every homework.
and one day i realized that nobody fucking cared.
nobody cared how hard you worked in high school.
nobody ever looked at the old work again.
not even me.
and i just lost my mind and threw all of it away.
you know those copy paper boxes that hold six reams?
i threw away seven full boxes.
all my work... out to the garbage.
it was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do.
i was really sad and mad after i took it out to the rubbish.
i felt like, i wasted my life.
like all those papers were a part of my life.
i threw away every certificate i won since elementary school.
every speech and debate piece i performed.
one whole five subject notebook that was filled on both sides of the page.
over five hundred index cards i used for studying.
there were probably 30 book reports in there.
lab reports and research papers.
every speech and debate ballot i ever won or lost.
history notes and questions that i stayed up until morning to finish.
hundreds of math assignments.
so much hard work.
it was a representation of my life.
and i threw it away.
and i think about it a lot, now.
i still have a hard time letting it go.
i'm so mad at myself that i let myself get rid of it.
i figured out that those years of my life were terrible and worthless.
and i don't want to remember anyway.
but to physically rid myself of those memories is such a hard thing to do.
the real confirmation that it was worthless.
you know what made it worse?
my mom is the one who told me to keep it ("might be useful one day")
but she had no objections to tossing it
and she never cared about the hard work i did in those years.
no appreciation.
no one will ever know what all that work meant to me-
i had nothing besides school.
even now i get excited over new school supplies because that was all you had-
school.  
and the measure of your person was how well you did in school
how hard you worked
how late you stayed up
how high your gpa was
how nifty your school supplies were
how many flash cards you made
how many certificates you got (even though they were just templates from ms word).
it's amazing how all this affects me.
it's been months since i've tossed it
(since then i've started another box.  after this semester i'll toss it and start another box.  but it's nothing compared to all my old stuff.)
but i still feel so empty and worthless when i think about it.
that's why my motto is
"fun is fun and done is done".
i don't ever want to think about the past.
again.
not even the old old past
(too many long gone friends and family)
or the recent past
(i haven't done anything worthwhile in life)
or even ponder too far in the future
(don't get your hopes up... you know how it goes when things don't turn out how you imagined).
better to be existential;
i'm here today, maybe tomorrow.  
let it be.

and why did this come up?
my friend is taking zool 141 and wanted to borrow my text book
(I NEVER THROW TEXT BOOKS AWAY.  EVER.)
and i said i have hundreds of flash cards and notes she can use too-
muscle insertions and origins
and enzyme pathways
and general notes on anatomy and physiology.
turns out
I FUCKING THREW IT AWAY.
it's gone.
i only have the text book.
AND I'M PISSED.


guh.
now i have to go to sleep in a bad mood.

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